Elden Ring

Overly Dramatic Review in One Sentence

The most frustratingly light story telling for a game that is so f***** difficult that you want to punch all the monitors, TVs, while throwing controllers until you finally beat the boss, and you celebrate with an Amy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine dance.

The Actual Review

Game time = 165 hours total, 133 hours for base game, 32 hours for DLC at time of review. Both are completed with all major enemies killed.

Gameplay

I wasn't kidding when I said this game makes you want to be violent with your controller. The intro to the game gives you the basics, press “A” to jump, “B” to run and your triggers to do attacks. Pretty basic. What they don't tell you is that you are a rubber ducky to the bad guys that bring bats and have a home run contest with you across the map.

Having never played a FromSoftware game prior to this and the idea that you are supposed to die 10 times per boss to learn their move set is crazy to me. Having to pay more attention to the feats of Herculean strength these dudes have when attacking you and trying to remember when to run away vs. dodge is insane to me. Let alone without the right controller or a good mouse and keyboard instead of speed running the boss fights, you are going to speedrun arthritis trying to spin the camera, dodge, swing, and heal at the same time (Thank you, Mr. Fruit for that awesome line).

With the above in your mind, you should also know that when you do beat a boss after dying 122 times, looking at your Elden Lord Dinosaur and Scarlet Lot lady (I have no idea what their names are, and you'll learn about that in the Story and Characters) you feel like an absolute champion and those endorphins kick in, and you are propelled to the next fight.

Once you learn the combat and gameplay it is a decently enjoyable game. The mechanics are well done and other than boss fights, you never feel that you can't do this. The normal difficulty for non-bosses is enriching for its difficulty. The runes loss is a cool mechanic for a game that makes dying all the more painful.

I am not sure where else to put this, so I will put it here. The DLC map is so convoluted that it is so hard to find a way to get to the entire Eastern side of the map. Without a guide to show me where to get to some places, I'd have no idea. Hidden walls, coffins, and other weird items to move between sections was just frustrating. Also, with no achievements for the DLC,

Graphics and Sound

Pre-DLC is a large stunning world that is so interesting that part of the game is looking around. The sound design is excellent with the notable exception of the sliding down ladders which sounds terrible. I hate sliding down ladders because it sounds like a $10 keyboard from Walmart playing one of those preloaded songs.

The DLC world, while still stunning and captivating, is so HEAVY in the animation graphics for bosses that they number of frame drops makes some fights impossible for some players.

Story and Characters

There is a story. I have no idea what it is other than I am a tarnished that wants to follow the grace to become Elden Lord. Who everyone is no clue. Do I know why they are in charge? A little at the end of 133 hours. Do I know what the hell is going on in the DLC? Nope no clue. I don't know who anyone is, I don't know why I am in the Shadow lands, I don't know why the final boss hates me. I have no clue.

My Rating

I put a lot of time into this game. I will never replay it. Having finally beaten, the reward doesn't pay off for the amount of effort you put in. I am not a masochist. The game is fun once you figure it out, but you have to be prepared for a long time of losing. Worth a playthrough, but not he 10 that a lot of places are giving it.

Parental Rating

My parents would be horrified by this game. The bad guys are twisted abominations that are exposed organs, creepy big hands (like the size of a small car), or just animal/human grafted characters. There are tons of violence and gore because of that.

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